Tits & Nipples (by the way, both of mine are on fire)

Whew, deep breaths. I have been thinking about the content of this post for awhile and I have felt nervous about it the whole time. However, being silent only delays and denies healing so here goes....

This past July, I bought a stupid smart, digital scale and I fucking hate its existence. I look at it and want to throw it across the fucking room. I hate it and I have never even stepped on it. It sits in my bathroom, glaring and demanding that I figure out why in the hell I bought it in the first place. I hate it because it arrived on my doorstep on July 22 as a result of having some dumb-ass, ego-driven plans to be the lightest version of myself in fall of 2024. I hate it because it arrived right as I was forced to hand my physical body over to strangers.

My bare, naked body and, in particular, my breasts have now been seen and touched by more acquaintances than partners. There was no warming up to this ask of vulnerability when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.. My chest met needles, machines, knives, hands, and opinions quicker than I could even look the diagnosis in the eyes.

I have always celebrated the fact that I am an incredibly vibrant and loving human being. I love to dance and joke and sing. I love to adventure and laugh and catch snowflakes and raindrops. Over time and many years into my adulthood, I grew to celebrate my sexuality and sexiness. Any time I have owned the right and choice to share my physical body with another human being it has been wrapped in safety, compassion, emotion, depth and connection. I color life-in with all parts of me.

To strip myself down in survival on a daily basis is, to-date, one of the hardest things I have ever faced;

a strong, independent, whimsical and free-spirited woman turned test-rat: diminished to a name, birthdate, patient number and barcode.

All my colors were slowly taken away from me, life-out, lifeless ~

my nails were cleared for surgery and procedures

my wardrobe was narrowed to things I could take off easily and put back on as quickly as possible

my hair was washed and cared for only to the extent that I could move

my armpits went unshaved

my make-up went undone

my gym membership left untouched

my job and life-work left unattended

my dance moves got sent to my dreams and imagination

my smiles left destined for my own mirror only

my humor and laughter notched down in volume

Lots of days, I felt either unattractive or simple. Somedays, both. I grew terrified that I would never know the sexy, vibrant, loving side of myself again.

However, somehow, light grew in the absence of all these things.

Black and white unearthed the structures and foundations of my presence ~

my friend circle grew in both number and depth

my heart pushed itself open to resistance and opposition

my morning coffees served patience

my walks lost demands

my hope fought to the death

my self-compassion and love for others found a tenderness I hadn't yet known

Don't kid yourself ~ it has been absolutely amazing and wonderful to get my nails done and have highlights placed in my hair again After not shopping for months, I am dreaming of buying something in hot-pink and finding that exactly-unique piece that fits me perfectly and lights me up. Being at the gym to feel the intricacies of my muscles toning and rebuilding is knocking on my door and I can't wait to answer. I still want to feel sexy and vibrant and loving. And so...

it's not that these things can't matter, it's just that they don't really ~

they won't ever fully matter until they are a true complement to that which is radiating inside of you. These outward expressions are only visual interpretations unless they are a credible reflection of your love, heart, purpose and passion.

Beauty is so much different than being beautiful.

Beauty is continually falsely-defined and idealistically-conformed and limited,

but being beautiful is forever-indescribable and unbinding because its unique and gorgeous within each and every one of us.

I know this to be truth because I have had the complete honor of sitting next to some of the most beautiful human beings this year, especially within the past 6 weeks.

We are cancer patients.

We are without hair.

We are without body parts.

We are with deformities and scars.

We are with pain.

And we are with one another, tucked and shoved in small waiting rooms and invited to swap our stories, almost as if the world knows that our proximity will be what heals us.

After many close conversations with these beautiful human beings, I can guarantee that, while we might be mourning a loss of beauty, we are all fighting to be beautiful. We would all let go of any visual, societal norm to be able to move freely without pain and to be free of appointments, reports and results. We just want to live. We beg for our spirit and energy to return and know that we will be at peace when those moments finally arrive.

Please let me be clear and speak directly on behalf of my choices and recovery...

My breasts remain mostly in tact. I opted for a lumpectomy and woke up to the reality of that and of an axillary lymph node dissection. My tumor results kept me away from chemotherapy. My treated left breast has changed in size, shape and texture due to incisions and radiation treatments, but remains attached to the rest of my physical body. The dissection of my lymph nodes and left-side body destroyed me far-beyond what I would have expected. The fluid build up, intense cording and insane nerve damage is something I continue to face and fight. I spent weeks bound in black tape to help with swelling and pain. I do my exercises daily and press beyond pain. My arms and hands still go numb in every radiation session and at different times of the day. My nipples are on fire and my chest is burned and blistered in my last weeks of treatment. But, I stretch, walk, breathe, believe and meditate to rebuild to a pain-free and mobile space. I fight for true health and not some fake, quantitative, societal norms of such. I plan on making a full recovery so I can return to all the things I love in life ~ hikes, nature, walks, work, yoga, hard workouts, love, family, friends, community ~

Health is not about any number on a scale or curves of the body, nor the constant numbing and mind-bending messages of ads, television and social media. Health is a comprehensive, integrated understanding and love of the way in which your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual being intertwine with the kind of internal peace that you can extend outward. It is about passion and purpose and an ability to contribute to the world in positive ways.

I am so incredibly grateful for the majority of doctors that have cared for me in this journey and that allowed me to feel safe enough to strip down to bare bones and tissue. They have healed me and I love them.

However, I will never be quick-to-forget the doctor who directly said to me that I would be less-than IF I was without breasts, spending the entire appointment convincing me that this could be my time to reconstruct. This doctor used sales tactics and fear to make me believe that my worth would only be defined by my visual, tangible self. To you, I say..

I reconstructed my life, mother-fucker.

YOU are the stupid smart, digital scale.

You are noise and distraction.

You prey on vulnerability with your power.

Today, I throw you away

and vow to measure my worth with points of heart and mind only

and merge physicality with authenticity.

You'll turn your head towards my hot-pink jackets, painted nails and done-up hair, I know you will.

But you will never, ever know what it means to be truly beautiful, nor the love that comes along with it.

To the many women I have met and all the woman I know,

beauty ain't got nothing on us.

Be beautiful. Drown out the noise. Color life in.

I am a breast cancer survivor, cancer-free on December 19, 2024 and counting my days of being in beauty-remission.